I've been with my current employer for about 16 months now. In previous entries, I've related my frustration with them and how quickly they threw me up the corporate ladder. To briefly review; I was hired as an assistant manager for a problem store, two months after that I was promoted to retail manager without my knowledge or input or any discussion and a month after that I was acting general manager until around April when it was finally made official after a salary battle which I 40% won and 60% lost. I got the minimum amount I'd do the job for, but nothing more and no retroactive pay. And the minimum amount I asked for would have been fine if other people in my store, with jobs below mine, weren't making more than me.

The store I am in was not my first choice. The mall we're located in is not a good one, our demographic isn't the greatest. It's extremely hard to get good employees and keep them, no one wants to work in this mall. It's taken me about a year but I finally managed to get rid of all the employees who sucked and recruited some new ones who don't. I finally have a management staff I like and trust, I'm comfortable there and the store is finally in a place where good things can happen.

So, of course, higher ups have decided it's time to move things around.

Three other general managers quit. Two of them had stores in the Baltimore area, where I now live. The call went out that anyone wanting to interview to take over one of the vacancies should contact our regional manager. I thought about it very briefly but in the end decided not to put my name in, because of the two Baltimore slots, one is a lower volume store than mine, which they wouldn't move me into, and the other was a higher volume store with a specialty machine that very few stores have and I definitely didn't feel they'd put me in there because of my lack of experience. Plus, i knew it would be easier to find someone for the Baltimore store than for my store, so moving me out so they could face the problem of filling my store wasn't going to happen.

But then they called me and asked me to interview for it. My "mentor", the general manager who recruited and hired me and has been a big help to me, told them I live in Baltimore now and they wanted to interview me for the higher volume Baltimore store. Of course I agreed to be interviewed and told them I'd be interested in considering it. And they told me that they were interviewing other people for it also, the implication being, I was in the running but it wasn't a done deal. Which was fine, since I wasn't even sure I wanted to switch stores.`

I was supposed to interview by phone yesterday. That never happened. Instead what happened was that my mentor called me and told me that our regional was unable to interview me but that it didn't matter because they were going to transfer me to the higher volume store. Needless to say, I was pretty dumbfounded. I went from possibly being offered the store to definitely moving there, whether I wanted to or not. And I'm very conflicted about it.

The pros of moving to the Baltimore store are these:
1. Closer to home. It'll shave a good 30-40 miles round trip off my commute.
2. Higher volume store, which means I'd get more payroll hours. It also means commissions would be better and I might see monthly bonuses more often, so...more money.
3. As if the whole situation weren't crazy enough, my store is about to lose its lab manager. If I stay, I'll have to find a new one. An excruciating process. If I go...the Baltimore store has a fully functional, very good lab team in place.
4. Professionally, it's a step up for me.

There is really only one con to switching stores. I'd have to leave the staff I painstakingly put together and learn a whole new one. I like my staff. I trust them, I have fun with them, we work well together. Going to another store would be like...switching high schools in senior year. I do not deal well with change.

I know I'll probably end up switching to the other store. I'd almost be stupid not to. But a big part of me wants to turn this down. Yes, professionally, it's a step up but here's a secret about me. I'm not ambitious. I don't really care. Frankly, I'd like to leave this company altogether and will the moment a better offer comes along. I don't give a crap about the corporate ladder and I'm moving up it almost in spite of myself.

I spent four hours in the car today so that I could attend a two hour meeting.

I'm no math genius, but something about that just doesn't add up.

One of the strangest things about working where I work is that after a little while, you get...well, there's no other word for it....groupies. I have people who will only come to the store when I am working. They call ahead to get my schedule. They brave bad weather to drive to the store to get time with me when the store isn't so busy. They travel to my store, even though there are other stores much closer to them, simply because I am in this store.

Some days I think it's like a very, very, very very small taste of what being famous would be like. I find it exhausting.

I have been MIA for way too long.

Sorry to come back with an entry that's super boring, but I promise I'll make it up to you. (Probably.)

Today I have to give a performance write-up to one of my employees. Now, granted, this woman is vastly unpleasant, has done absolutely nothing to help me since the day I began working there, has in fact, gone out of her way to make my life miserable and is in general a terrible example of leadership, and has made me dislike her to the point where I essentially issued my higher ups an ultimatum: her or me. Still. I really, really, really, really wish I did not have to do this today.

Can't I just tell her to stop scratching her va-jay-jay and call it a day?

P.S. How awesome is it that LJ's spellcheck recognizes "va-jay-jay" as a word? Very awesome.

I was promoted today.

This should make me happy.

I am more annoyed than anything.

Success should feel better than this.

I can pull together an annual charity event for my store that will affect my career future and the lives of many children not to mention my reputation within the company, in three weeks, right?

I mean, right?

There is much to say about my new(est) job. But the key points are these:

1. I like the job.
2. Not so crazy about the particular store I'm in, though.
3. It is neat, being an expert on something. (Not that I'm an expert yet, but I'm working on it.)
4. When they said fast track, they weren't kidding.
5. Without medicine, I don't think this job would be possible for me. Oh, blessed, blessed amphetamines.
6. I think one of my co-workers hates me. But that's ok because...
7. I think I am making a good impression on the right people.
8. If you had told me 3 months ago that I would be where I am now and not only that but motivated and pretty happy about it, I would have called you a moron.

More later, if I can spare any motivation to write it up.

Tomorrow I start my new job. In a fun twist of irony, one of the reasons I'm leaving the old job is I don't like the late hours. Of course, what is my first shift tomorrow at the new job? Three to midnight. Sing about that Alanis Morisette. Ah, well. I had to buy a suit jacket for the new job. I hate being forced to spend money on things I don't really want or like. I hate suits. I hate jackets. I will miss wearing jeans to work. This new job better be worth it. Or I will be pissed.

Today is my last day off for the foreseeable future. This is entirely my own fault because in a fit of conscience and guilt I volunteered to stay part time at the old job for as long as they need me. Basically I told them they could have all my days off. I am an idiot. But I am an idiot who can sleep at night, so....there you go. I do have the day off for Yom Kippur but that does not count as a day off because Yom Kippur is much harder work than any job.

I have had a cold for a week. It's Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur time so me being sick is right on schedule. And let me tell you, nothing is more fun than a 25+ hour fast, standing almost all day holiday when you have a cold. Whee! Rosh Hashanah was nice. Though as I was still frantically cooking late Friday night I definitely appreciated the Orthodox way of an absolute deadline to stop. There is a lot I miss about Orthodoxy.

Since today is my last day off, ever, I was supposed to go out and Accomplish Things. Instead, I slept until 12:30 and now I'm sitting around in my pajamas telling people things they don't really care about. Ah, well. Later there will be daiquiris with Becky. Life could be worse.

I gave notice to my job. It was a lot like kicking a puppy. To death. Over and over. They were shocked. And upset. They counter-offered and asked me what they could do to make me happy. I felt like the worst person on earth for a few days. Had a major freak out attack but in the end, stuck to the decision to leave. Many, many thanks to Roslyn and Marcie who got hit with the brunt of my marathon freak-out and did not once tell me to shut up.

Yesterday, at work, one of my employees told me that I talk like I'm in the movies. I do not know what that means. But I choose to take it as a compliment.

Lately I have been missing teaching. I miss the kids and the projects and the fun. Part of me thinks I am expressing this by trying to badger Marcie into making religious articles out of matchsticks. Another part of me just really wants to see her do a matchstick art project.

My family used to vacation every year in Myrtle Beach. Every night we'd go out to eat at a different restaurant. My sister and I were talking about it today, reminiscing. And we were trying to name all the old places we went to eat. I recalled one restaurant whose name had the word "slug" in it. My sister, mother and father all vehemently deny we ever ate in any such place. But I remember it vividly because I recall thinking, "who the hell names a restaurant and puts the word slug in the name?" I firmly believe I am right, because how on earth could I even make something like that up? Alas, a google search pulled up nothing and I'm afraid I will never be vindicated on this one.

I am very excited for the new television season to start. The second season of Weeds has already started and all I can tell you is, if you're not watching it, you're missing the fuck out.

That is all.

So. My new job? Is about to be my old job.

When I got this job I was feeling good about it. I was happy and excited and I felt like it was a good opportunity. And the first day went well. And then....I'm not completely sure what happened. I had a total meltdown. I'm sure it was based on a lot of things. So much of my life has been in flux this year and definitely within the last few months. Moving from my apartment, my brother getting married, my cat dying, my friend committing suicide followed closely by losing the only job I've ever really loved and with that job, a network of amazing support in the form of some truly spectacular women I am fortunate enough to call friends. Not that I've lost them as friends, but it was sudden and drastic change to go from seeing them every day to....maybe catching one or two of them on the phone in a week. Our tight little group was suddenly scattered to the winds and everyone was scrambling to find new jobs, new places to live, etc.

And I think it finally just all caught up to me. I started crying every singly day, all day. I couldn't stop. Every time I had to go into work I was struck with this overwhelming sense of dread. All I wanted to do was quit and run out the door and never go back, ever. It was awful and I had no idea what to do about it. During my cryfest, I was contacted by a company I had interviewed with just before taking my current job. They liked me, wanted to set me up with a second interview and even though I really had no interest in this company before, I decided maybe it would be better than where I was and I went to the second interview. Meanwhile, I finally got officially diagnosed with ADD, which I've known I've had for about 8 years but never done anything about. And I now have medicine for the ADD and it's made a difference.

So much of a difference that I started to be ok in my job. I think the medicine and the fact that I became more comfortable with the people and the routine, combined to help me tremendously and I stopped crying and feeling so trapped all the time. And while I was getting used to the job, the other company called and made me an offer. And their offer includes better money, a location much closer to me, no holiday hours, training in a valuable skill and fast track to advancement. And since while I'm more comfortable than I was in my current job, I can't stand the late hours, the 40 minute commute or cleaning up after people who can't be bothered to put their damn things back where they found them, I decided to accept the offer the new company made me. And that officially happened today.

So tomorrow I have to give my two weeks notice to my job. And this has me a nervous wreck because I've really gotten to like my co-workers and they gave me a huge vote of confidence in giving me this job in the first place and most importantly, because this is probably the worst possible time to be leaving them. We're short staffed already, especially in management, and while we're short staffed, the manager is going to be out of town 4 days a week for the next few months, overseeing another district that just lost their district manager. That leaves me in charge...except....I won't be there. I feel terrible.

And I know, I have to do what's right for me, and I will. But that doesn't really help me feel any better about what I'm about to do or give me any hints as to how to make this any easier. So, if you've got any tips on how to break bad news a little less badly...I'm listening.

I am rejoining the magic realm of the Employed People, thus regaining my status as a functioning, contributing member of society even if just barely. Yes, I got a job. I got a job I actually wanted. I'm feeling pretty good and optimistic that this will be a fun, laid back atmosphere where I can excel and move up if I decide to stay in this field. I know! Me! Optimistic! Don't worry, I'm sure they'll announce their bankruptcy next week. Then it's all doom and gloom and cynicism again. Back to the me you all know and love.

Until then, whee! I have a job!

I have to be in Hell in seven hours. And by Hell, I mean my craptastic new job. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Worse, I had a plan to keep myself entertained there by phone posting all my frustration and ranting in LJ throughout the day. But of course, my cell phone gets no signal in Hell. That's how you know it really is Hell.

Temp. job started today. Hate. Rather shoot myself in the foot than come back tomorrow. Hate. Don't care about school uniforms. Can't make me. Ugly. Hate. Nine hour work day. That does not include my paltry half hour break. Hate. Nine and a half hours. More hate. Customers. HATE. Plaid jumpers. Hate. Fugly blazers. Hate. Crazy sizings. Hate. First day, no orientation, no training, no nothing. Hatehatehatehatehate. HATE.

2 more hours. Hate.

The store is officially closed for business. Becky and I took it down yesterday night in a haze of deal-making and insane customers. But sell everything we did. And then Becky and I broke open a bottle of wine and sat on the cashwrap and toasted each other while in a moment of eerily perfect timing, Billy Joel's "These Are the Times" began to play on the sound system. It was movie moment perfect. The store is no more. Tomorrow we go in to sweep up, pack up the computers and send them back to corporate. But tonight...there is a party fund to exploit at a fancy restaurant and drunk bowling to follow. I'm off to buy shoes.

As of this coming Saturday, I will be officially unemployed. For the past month and a half, we've been going through the closing process at our store and boy does it suck royally. We've all discovered the depths we're willing to go when confronted daily by the masses of stupidity and ignorance. I mean, people, I'm only human. Hath not a retail employee eyes? Hath not a retail employee hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food from the mall food court, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a customer is? If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh and then hurt you for touching me inappropriately? And if you ask me the same fucking question eight hundred bazillion times a day do I not totally want to DISEMBOWEL YOU WITH A HAND DIPPED TAPER CANDLE? Yes, yes I do.

The day the closing went public, we were forced to put up HUGE ugly, red and yellow signs all over the store that proclaim loudly, "STOREWIDE SALE!!!! EVERYTHING 50% OFF!!!" And we put up a sign by the registers announcing that, "ALL SALES ARE FINAL!!" And so, you would think anyone with a synapse or two firing correctly would be able to put those cryptic clues together and come up with, "Hey, they're closing!" Alas, I'm here to tell you that if you're one of those hopeful few that maintains faith in humanity's intelligence and goodness, you're shit out of luck. Because people are fucking dumb. At least a hundred times a day, (and no, that's not writer's hyperbole to make the story more interesting, literally a hundred times a day) I am forced to answer the question, "Are you closing?" And then I am forced to watch the shock and dismay cover their faces as they say, "OH NO! But this is my FAVORITE STORE!" And I clench my teeth in a grotesque imitation of a smile, because I've never even seen them in the store before and then they buy a fucking votive candle and I'm all, "Yeah, thanks, I can't believe your $1.50 contribution hasn't kept us in business. It's a mystery." And you might think that as we ran out of product and slowly condensed our four room store into three rooms and then two, people might get a little more clued in. I mean, those two barren rooms just scream profit, no?

Worse is when the conversation goes like this:
Idiot: Oh my gosh, are you closing?
Me: Yes.
Idiot: Oh, no! This was my favorite store! Where am I going to get candles now!?
Me: How about I don't actually give a crap? Where am I going to get money to pay my bills now? Will you please forgive me for not weeping bitterly over your candle plight because I'm just a tad more concerned about being unemployed and uninsured? Fuck off with your little votive candle, head on over to Wal-Mart, bitch and sing your sad song there.

Ok, I don't really say that, but dear Lord, if only I could. Because...seriously, people. Seriously.

And even worse than the "are you closing?" question is the, "Is everything 50% off?" question. I must get that about nine thousand billion trillion times a day (ok, yeah, there's a little exaggeration in that sentence). And each time I have to answer it, the rage within me burns with the fury of ten thousand supernovas. If I were forced to judge the population based only on what I observe in my store, I would have no other option but to conclude that 99.99999999999997% of the human race is completely illiterate. What other possible reason could someone have for asking that question when there are thirty signs shouting the answer from every shelf and corner of the store? "EVERYTHING 50% OFF!" Is what they yell in their obnoxiously loud colors. But you know...the definition of "everything" is so subjective. I mean...what does everything mean, really? It fucking means everything you moron. Shut up. SHUT UP.

So, you know, you have to do things to stop yourself from spontaneously combusting from the heat of sheer, unadulterated hate for the constant stream of idiots parading in and out of your place of employment. So, we started a cash only fund and sold off all the office supplies and everything else that would just be trashed so we can have a huge party at the end. We kicked the dress code out the window and now we wear jeans and flip flops. I had some awesome buttons made by the always awesome Alice and we wear them while we work. We rigged our sound system to play the music we want to hear and not the corporate crap that consists of Indian tribal chanting, Bobby Darin and some PBS like crap you might hear on a documentary about King Henry VIII. We play 80's music, Indigo Girls, the Garden State soundtrack, Disco, Vanilla Ice. We play the Electric Slide and the Cha Cha Slide and dance along with our customers in the store. We use candles like microphones and sing along to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing". We roast marshmallows over unscented candles. We play Texas Hold 'Em behind the registers. Because, really...what else can you do?

You can go down with some style and some laughs.

Ladies of #139, it's been an honor, a privilege and a hell of a lot of fun. Peace out.

So, on Friday I have to have an uncomfortable discussion with an employee. She's a 17 year old who's sweet but who has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and who is also the most annoying person on earth. She has been bitching for weeks and weeks now about how she doesn't get enough hours. And we have tried everything. From telling her to speak to the scheduling manager, to telling her we just don't have the hours to give her, to ignoring her, to sitting her down and showing her charts and graphs and explaining how if lack of hours is a problem, she would probably do better to find a different job. She simply does not Get It. On top of that her job performance is lacking. Any task we give her to do, she complains about it. "My back hurts, I can't sweep." "How come I always have to change the water?" "I'm not tall enough to reach way up high. A ladder? But the ladder is so heavy!" And on, etc. And even once you have gotten her to do something, she does it badly. We have basically decided that it's easier to just do everything ourselves than try to make her do something and listen to her whine about it. How can you mess up sweeping? Seems impossible, and yet. She takes absolutely no initiative. If she doesn't know where something is, instead of looking for it, she will run around asking everyone else. And it's almost always in a place where if she had just expended a nanosecond of thought on the matter, she would have easily found it. No one can have a private conversation when she's around. She will literally follow people around, hover over them and linger awkwardly to listen in on what people are saying. And she never, ever shuts up. Ever. It's like every little thing that enters her brain is compelled to come out of her mouth. I guess her brain isn't big enough to contain all her thoughts about chapstick, so they have to come spilling out of her verbally. She has a lot of thoughts about chapstick.

The other day she started talking about wanting a raise. But she didn't go to a manager and say, "I want a raise." No, she whined about it to another employee and talked about how much someone else made and how she should be making such-and-such. When I heard that, I had enough. So on Friday I am sitting her down and we are going to have a very stern talk. And I am going to tell her that after our talk I never want to hear about any of those issues again, or I will send her directly home and give her hours to someone else. She will cry. There will be tears. She'll most likely call her mom and her mom will call me and I'll be forced to tell her mom to fuck off....but, like...nicer than that. Sounds like a fun conversation, right? But none of that is even the awkward part! Because after we talk about all that.....I then have to ask her to please, for the love of G-d, stop scratching her lady bits in public.

Yes, if there's anything more uncomfortable than having to tell someone they have overwhelming B.O., it's telling someone to stop digging at their crotch all the live long day. Seriously, I don't know what's going on down there, but she is always going to town south of the border! It's like there's a fiesta happening down below and her va-jay-jay is a pinata she's trying to get candy out of. I don't know what's going on and I don't want to. All I know is I need her not-so-fresh-feeling self to take it to the bathroom, or better yet, the gynecologist and get it out of view of the customers and the rest of the staff.

The good news is you can vicariously take part in this most awkward conversation by taking part in a little poll.

Poll #735109
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

What euphemism should I use to discuss my employee's vagina?

Ok, we'll do this quick-like so I don't feel like a complete loser for again failing to make a substantiative entry. We'll do bullet points and perhaps one day I'll get around to expounding upon them.

• Went to Disney World with my family. We managed not to kill each other after being together 24/7 for a week. Go family! Disney World is awesome. We ate at Cinderella's Castle. Went on the Tower of Terror five times. Mission Space made me want to vomit, unusual since rides don't usually affect me like that. I sat out subsequent visits to that ride. The condo we stayed in was totally sweet. My brother's fiancee really, really, really wanted to get me drunk on Pleasure Island. Alas, her wish was not fulfilled. I drank, but did not get drunk. Got pictures taken with Mickey and Minnie and lots more awesome pictures too.

• Jen came to visit. Original plan was for her to stay with me, but one night in my scary, scary, cricket ridden apartment and she fled. I don't blame her. We still managed to have fun, eat ice cream, and on Saturday Night we went to the dueling piano bar, which was awesome. Jen got them to stop playing New Kids on the Block, for which she was a hero. I made a valiant effort to get them to stop playing Summer Nights, and was briefly successful, but sadly, it ended in tragedy when they finished Summer Nights. Drinks were had, fun was had, though I really must stop attending piano bars with my friends' parents.

• I am still looking for a new full time job. I am filled with joy that I don't have to go back to the preschool ever again. But words cannot describe how much I hate looking for a new job. Hate. Hate. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. No luck so far.

• Until then I am still employed part time at the craft store where I suffer daily hell as the customer service person at the front desk. The stinky manager was replaced months ago with a new, non-stinky manager, but things haven't really improved. I mean, yes, it's nice that he showers and I can't smell him from five feet away, but he's still a dillhole. They are training me in custom framing, which is a nice skill to have and I'm hoping that I can either go somewhere else with this skill and make double the money, or get a full time job and just do framing part time where I work now, which would save me from the customer service desk.

• I am not religious anymore. I am not making a big secret out of this, but neither have I taken out a big ad in the Jewish Times, so I'm sure that someday someone, probably my old boss, will walk into the store or I'll run into her somewhere and there will be drama. Which I don't look forward to, but at the same time I can't really be bothered to care about. My family is happy with this change, my religious friends who know have been wonderful and supportive if not thrilled and my non-religious friends have been thrilled. I got to go to my best friend's wedding, which meant the world to me, and it was worth everything just for that.

• Since I am no longer religious, I no longer find it necessary to live in a religious neighborhood and so when my current lease is up in December, I'll be moving. I don't know where yet, though I have some ideas. I want to stay in Baltimore, hopefully more a little further downtown. Somewhere there are other people my age and things to do and basically a social scene. The most exciting part of moving is the fact that I'll have a roommate! I am totally stoked about this, which is nice because the last roommate experiences I had were...not so great. What with the holding me at gunpoint and stealing all my stuff. ANYWAY! I am thrilled that "Rocky" (as she will be known in my LJ unless she tells me she doesn't mind real name usage) will be moving here and I can't wait! I anticipate much fun in 2006! Yay!

• And now I have to go to work. Here endeth the update.

Free at last, free at last! Thank G-d Almighty, I'm free at last!!






Now, if only my car hadn't broken down, I could get out of here.....