About a year ago, I went to visit my friend Marcie in Las Vegas. During what was otherwise a lovely stay, she and her husband dragged me into the desert to ride around on little cars. Most people know them as ATVs, but I call them little cars, or small-dangerous-vehicle-I-will-most-likely-die-or-at-least-be-severely-injured-on. They were generous enough to make it a day trip (I don't sleep outside) and I believe there was even a bathroom in the vicinity (I don't pee outside either), though it surely was not a bathroom I had any intention of using. After they had made such thoughtful concessions for my comfort, I could hardly refuse to go. And so we went. Into the desert. Where, may I remind you, Jews have never really had a good experience.

Anyway, the night before we went I made sure Marcie knew where my insurance card was (she laughed at me) and I wrote a will (she laughed even harder). I wrote it in my day planner and after I lived through the experience, (which was not that bad and even kind of fun, though I did almost get lost in the desert and Marcie did her best to kill me by telling me only after I had ridden around, "I forgot to tell you, be careful going over hills, sometimes you think it's a hill but it's really a cliff and you won't have time to stop yourself.") I completely forgot I had written it. Until just a few minutes ago when I was cleaning out my day planner in preparation a conference I'm attending tomorrow (more on that later) and I found it.

To Whom It May Concern,

I Bea Middle Name Last Name, of reasonably sound mind (although this little car outing may throw even "reasonably" sound into question) and body, declare this to be my last will and testament.

First of all, even though she was responsible for my untimely demise I bear Marcie Middle Name Last Name no ill will and she should be allowed to attend my funeral should she so desire.

Secondly, please will someone put a quarter from my wallet into a slot machine for both Rebecca H. and Roslyn M. Any winnings should be divided between them.

All candle products I have should go to Rebecca H. after my sister Sarah Middle Name Last Name has had first choice. Also, all my DVDs and videos go to Rebecca H.

Please find my cat, Dori, a good home. She is very sweet and makes an excellent pet.

If my fish is still alive, find it a good home, too. It is not really sweet or a good pet, but still.

My earthly belongings may be distributed as my parents see fit and I must deeply apologise that I died before having a chance to clean up the basement.

Also, I'm sorry that someone is going to have to clean out my car.

I love you all very, very much.

Remember me often and please let everyone on LJ know I'm gone.

Be good to each other.

Bea